It all begins this weekend!!!!!!!!!!

Well actually it all began last year, winter 2007... Which I must admit was a very strange time too go into production of a film.. Especial if it 's not a seasonal scene requirement... Still I made the choice and I was surprised at how much interest I had received in the project... I just graduated film school so I was hungry to get my new career started, I couldn't let another year end or start of go by without having something too show for it. I was getting old and my dick wasn't getting as hard anymore as one person put it to me several months earlier.. I need something else to make me desirable, too make me feel secure and to prove too the world that they can't stop me and I am never giving up!!!! So with my few thousand dollars out of my savings I got started, the script was for story I had been sitting on for a year or more... Except I couldn't get the damn project of the ground in the little ass town I was in.... New York was the place.. Stop you heard all this before..??? Truthfully I have too put it like this, one thing I have to do this year is assert that, I am the shit, the best and what I am doing is a winner.... I have too stop holding back even if my concepts of other people and things are harsher then their's of me is.. So what really happen is, i didn't get the movie that I wanted... Ok I said it!! I didn't even come close, I tried and I really fucked up and it seems like such a waste of time and money.. I don't like my film even if it's only my first... I am really hard on myself and in my old age I notice two things are changing.. I am getting hornier and I am losing the battle with my perfectionists subconsciousness self... So that's part of the reason, for me feeling the way I do... This film thing has cost me so much and not a day doesn't go by that I wish I never learned about it or even had the boldness too think I could do such a thing... I am mean who do I think I am??? Now my paranoid self is telling me everyone going too say nice things about the film after this weekend.. Sorry I don't believe you.. I want too really hear the truth, that I suck at this film thing and I am wasting my time.. I should've stayed in college, which means now I am really fucked... The only thing I am good for now is holding a cup that says will tell you my sorry ass pitiful story for a few cents... Even that guy who gets paid to be told off is on a higher level then me right now... If failing your sword takes courage then I differently win on that.. I am holding my film premiere in two days and yes I am very scared, which is something I am not use too anymore... A lot of people are coming and I just hope everything goes right.... My future begins this weekend and I hope it's a long one, I often wonder what happens to one hit wonders, but I don't really want too find out... So maybe this failure is my savior in sheep's clothing...?????? I only had two hours of sleep right now which is the same as me being drunk from five shots of patron... Yup I am really fucked up... Man I just hope everything goes ok and I make myself a good show! Look at me know for years I've been working around acting and talking like I had nothing too lose.. Then you know what, along the way I meet and become friends with people who felt were I was coming from and believed in my just a little bit, maybe a lot..??? You tell me??? So really Iam also high on the admiration, which I can't imagination losing..... That's what's really got me pissed off, cause I am betting the house and haven't even enjoyed the winnings yet.... Guess I should've 86 this project months ago and went out to cail... So my future beings one way or another this weekend... New associates will be earned or old ones lost... ??? The next 48 hours is sure too be one hell of a ride, which is new too me.. I haven't felt this nervous since the day I talked to my first girl.. Which is sad for me because I thought I've been living fearless and bucking the system, instead I've been living and playing safe.. Not taking no really chances and risk just playing like I have.. Was that what wend wrong in Florida???? Man I must think this film really sucks.... It's all my fault if it does.... I am getting older and I am getting softer.... I miss that kid in college that I was, who didn't think twice about traveling half way across the country to go to school on his own.... Who was so intimidating too everyone cause he had no fear... I am going too stop now so I can prepare for what is going too be the most defining day in my life... June 1st Sunday 5pm 2008....